Why 8month olds scare the s#*t out of me

Baby bug recently celebrated a milestone. A milestone that I've been dreading, if we are being honest. On Saturday she turned 8 months old.

What's the big deal with 8 months? It doesn't sound like a "scary" age.

For most families it isn't. For us it is the age that our world came crashing down in a matter of days. When C-Monkey was 8 months old he began having seizures. He was diagnosed a day later with Infantile Spasms. Most people think the diagnosis Infantile Spasms sounds pretty benign. It's not. It's catastrophic. It's devastating to be a parent on the other side of that diagnosis. 

For those of you that are fortunate enough to not know much about it, here's what the National Institute of Neurological Disorders & Stroke (NINDS) defines it as:

"An infantile spasm (IS) is a specific type of seizure seen in an epilepsy syndrome of infancy and childhood known as West Syndrome. West Syndrome is characterized by infantile spasms, developmental regression, and a specific pattern on electroencephalography (EEG) testing called hypsarrhythmia (chaotic brain waves). The onset of infantile spasms is usually in the first year of life, typically between 4-8 months. The seizures primarily consist of a sudden bending forward of the body with stiffening of the arms and legs; some children arch their backs as they extend their arms and legs. Spasms tend to occur upon awakening or after feeding, and often occur in clusters of up to 100 spasms at a time. Infants may have dozens of clusters and several hundred spasms per day. Infantile spasms usually stop by age five, but may be replaced by other seizure types. Many underlying disorders, such as birth injury, metabolic disorders, and genetic disorders can give rise to spasms, making it important to identify the underlying cause. In some children, no cause can be found"

That is C-Monkey one day before he turned 8 months old. Just looking at him you would have never guessed the levels of devastation we would be facing roughly a week or so later. We heard it soooo many times after his diagnosis, "But he's so normal". He was meeting milestones. He was social. There were areas that we thought he was behind on, but our doctor played it off on him being a boy. Apparently boys tend to develop slower than girls? I thought of including the video here of his first seizure. We were fortunate to be able to catch it on video in case the doctor needed to see it. I just can't do it. I just can't bring myself to share one of the top 2 saddest days of my life...in real life. It's too raw. Too painful. That is something we've never shared...with anyone.  You can google Infantile Spasms videos. Unfortunately there are hundreds.

We've been through so much with C-Monkey. I really didn't think we would have another child. I didn't think I wanted another child. We couldn't face potentially going through that again. All of our Doctors told us the odds of having another child with IS was very small, but I wasn't sure I was brave enough to take that risk. It took a little surprise at a crazy time in our life to change my mind.  My OB-GYN was so supportive and encouraging and looked out for every little thing.  He knew I was absolutely scared to death. My friends gave me much needed pep talks. The time came & Baby bug was born...healthy. That should have alleviated my fears. Everyone kept saying "she's healthy!!!". Yes, so was C-Monkey when he was born. 

I remember breaking down at her 2 month visit. I told the Dr that I was absolutely scared to death of every little thing with her. I evaluated everything she did every single second of the day. I felt like I really couldn't "enjoy" the experience. He said he would be stunned if I wasn't like that with all that we had been through with C. It wouldn't be natural. This is very likely my last baby & I didn't want to spend my time with her, time that flies by so quickly, worried to death. I gave a speech at one of our local universities about our experiences with C. One of the students, knowing I had recently had a baby, asked me would I or was I doing anything differently with Baby Bug given our past with C-monkey. I told her "Absolutely". I look at every experience with her and compare it to C. I obsess over those bleeping ASQ (developmental screens) in the months between visits to the Dr. I consider them homework. I have to get a good score!! I probably push her to do things more than I did (& still do) C-monkey. I realized to her I probably sounded like a complete nutso. What she didn't realize, is that I consider everything that C-Monkey doesn't do as a reflection on ME as a mother. I know to many of you that sounds so absurd because there is nothing I could have done to prevent this, but I've spent a lot of time grieving that something that happened when he was in my womb probably caused this. I know my Mommy warrior friends "get this". 

Fortunately, Baby bug is a very determined little gal and really likes being pushed and encouraged to do new things. She has met and exceeded milestones at every visit. With time she has slightly eased my worries. That was until 8 months. My panic is back at Code red. She hasn't really given me any cause for concern, but a few close friends & a few of C-monkey's therapists have had to talk me down during freak out moments. They've reassured me that she is FINE.

Baby bug at 8months. 

I'm sure I will always be a worry wart when it comes to BOTH of my kids. I've been trusted with 2 of the greatest gifts I could ever wish for. I don't want to take any moment with them for granted. I just need to learn to RELAX where Baby Bug is concerned, and learn to appreciate each moment as they come....

Maybe when she turns 9 months old?? ;)