Where have we been?

C~monkey then

It's been almost 2 years of a blogging break. The break lasted longer than I had intended.

Why did I stop blogging? I liked doing it for the most part. It was a great way to keep track of what all we had been through. To keep up with all of C~monkey's journey, because my overstressed Mommy brain doesn't have much memory.

It was cathartic...at times.

I liked the fellowship of meeting other families that were going through the same seizure hell that we were dealing with. I felt like they "got it".

Towards the end, it was just one more thing to do.

I had gone back to work. I was busy. Too busy for blogging I thought. Facebook was so much easier. If you weren't on FB...sorry about your luck.

I had concerns over privacy since our previous blog (that I hope to edit at some point & post along with this one) had our names smeared all over it. I felt like people knew too much.

I felt like I wasn't really being authentic. I felt like I had to put on this happy show of what our family was like everyday like it was all rainbows, unicorns, and daisies. I felt like if I said anything negative about being the Mom of a child with Special needs, that people thought I was a horrible person. Granted some of this *might* be true, but more than likely it was all my imagination. Blogging became more stressful because I felt the need to censor my words. Writing has always been the place that I felt I was truly able to communicate freely. If I have something serious to discuss, I would always prefer to write a letter instead of talking it out. My thoughts just feel more "free" that way. Is anyone else like that? So, when I began feeling stifled in my writing the cathartic feeling was gone. I've ALWAYS been a people pleaser, and let me tell you...being a Mom of a kid with SN and being a people pleaser is like standing in a lake of gasoline while holding sticks of dynamite...an explosion waiting to happen. So, I figured if all I'm being is a disappointment (once again, probably 98% imagined) then what is the point? I forgot the point in all of this was to put our story out there, to help other families in this journey, for me to have an outlet for my emotions...good & bad.

All of these are good enough excuses right? Well, since we are being honest, they might account for 30% of why I quit. So what is the other 70%???

I was angry, depressed, and pissed off at the world. A few months before I quit blogging, we took what was supposed to be our "miracle trip to Detroit". Where I thought an amazing Dr. Neuro (he is amazing, don't get me wrong!) was going to come into the room with his magic wand and CURE my kid of seizures that had stolen every dream & every hope that we ever held for our only child, and filled it with nightmares, stress, and tears. Yep, I know, I was setting myself up for HUGE disappointment. We left Detroit sad and downtrodden. Our miracle wasn't found in Motown. I felt absolutely sick (& it wasn't the disgusting Opa cheese we had in Greek town either). I felt like I had let C~monkey down. I felt like I had let everyone that had given us money, cheered for us, prayed for us, etc. down. I was angry that we never seemed to catch a break. I was angry that seizures had come into our house one evening, and robbed us. Robbed C-monkey. And there wasn't one damn thing I could do about it. I was selfish. I couldn't help but feel jealous of anyone that was achieving seizure freedom or even seizure vacations for their kids. I felt like an absolute failure of a mother. So, I had to get away from it all. Get away from drowning myself in the seizure world. Looking back now, this is where I began to slip down hill, faster and faster. I was losing my child, but I was losing myself too. It has been a long 2 years. One that I really wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I look forward to reconnecting with other families. I look forward to having this outlet again...uncensored. I look forward to sharing the really cool things that C-monkey is doing. I also look forward to having this as a central spot that everyone that loves him can check in, instead of a FB post AND emailing people that aren't on FB, because that is a major pain in the butt! LOL! Next post we'll talk a little more about how C~monkey is doing today.

C~monkey now