We had a secret. A BIG secret!

I told y'all I'm not great at keeping up with a blog. Yes, I realize tomorrow will be a year since I last posted. Life has been busy. VERY busy! You see, when I last posted I was keeping a secret. A VERY big secret!

Let's jump back to March 25th, 2012. For about a week before that date I was not feeling good. Not at all. I was nauseous all the time. I kept having these weird dizzy episodes. Headaches like crazy. I kept passing it off as stress. It made sense. I was going through one of the most stressful times any mother could go through. My baby was getting ready to have major brain surgery. I finally looked at the calendar. Really looked at it. Oh my GOD. No way. That evening I ran to the store, and hid in the bathroom when I got home. James busted in there and saw what I was doing. I let him do "the read" because I knew FOR SURE it was "just stress". Boy, was I wrong!

Yep, a little less than three weeks before C-monkey's surgery I found out I was pregnant. WTH?!?! Let's just say between the 2 of us we had a couple of hours worth of cries, freak outs, laughs, & worries. I could not believe this was happening. How was I going to handle going through C's surgery as awful as I felt? How was I going to handle TWO kids?? I think my greatest worry was, did God plan this because something was going to happen to C? I know, I know. Rational thinking wasn't my forte during this period of time. I read into everything on a good day. Add in major life stresses and I'm a paranoid nut job. We swear to keep this a secret. Ummm, I might have told a couple of close girlfriends. I was monitored very closely in the beginning due to a situation we had the year before. I think my OB/GYN also wanted to reassure me that I was going to be okay with everything going on.

A week before C's surgery we got to take a peek at the little peanut.

So, we began to plot how we were going to tell our families. They HAD to know before the surgery! We knew we would be gathering for Easter. That would be the last time we would all be together before the big day. We let C-Monkey break the news for us. Everyone was STUNNED (join the club)! There was excitement and worry. Lots of worry for me.

C-monkey in his "surprise" shirt on Easter.

Surgery day came and went. (I'll talk about his surgery in my next post.)The hospital stay was ROUGH. Thank God for my hubby. He really did most of C's care post-op. I was so horribly nauseous every single day right at 2:00pm until night time. Smells killed me. There are LOTS of smells in hospitals. Most of them are not good either. Even the smell of his food made we want to run for the hills. Except I couldn't run if my life depended on it because I was utterly exhausted. We finally had to tell the nurses so they didn't wonder/worry why I slept so much. Oh, and the headaches!! I was a mess, and so desperately wanted to be "with it" to take care of my boy. I felt so selfish.

After about my 13th week I started feeling human again. Right around that time I was diagnosed with placenta previa (where the placenta blocks the opening of the cervix and puts Mom at high risk for bleeds). Really?!?! My Dr told me no more picking C up. No more picking up anything heavier than 5 pounds actually. If I bled I would end up on bed rest. This baby was really testing me. Looking back, all of this was forcing me to take care of ME..someone I had neglected taking care of for years. I had to take it easy...Dr's orders.

I know most people always say "Oh, I don't care if it's a boy or a girl. As long as they are healthy!".  Well, we actually MEANT it! When you go through the kind of struggles that we have been through with C, healthy is the ONLY thing that matters! Secretly, I longed for a baby girl. I thought a girl would be more attentive to C as they got older. I knew I wanted one of each. That was only fair. A healthy little girl with blue eyes. That was my hope. At 19 weeks weeks we found out we were having......

A GIRL!!!!

Other than some wicked anemia, the pregnancy stayed par for the course. It was exhausting being pregnant with a very time consuming child. I had ultrasounds at least once a month. My placenta wasn't budging (aka-the exit ramp was blocked) so my Dr wanted to avoid any risks of hemorrhaging as I got further along and planned for an early C-section. I found out we would meet our baby girl on Tuesday, November 6th...Election Day. J's birthday was 2 days later so he was getting an awesome birthday gift! As time got closer I worried more and more about how adding a baby was going to affect the dynamic of our house. C had ruled the roost for over 6 years. How in the world would I balance the attention that C required and a newborn? Would she accuse me years later of favoring C because he got so much attention? And the one that most Moms going from one to two kids struggle with...Could I love this little girl as much as I love C-monkey? He's had me to himself for 6 years. I love that boy something fierce. We've been through a lot together. I worried about leaving him. We had both only been away from him for one night, twice. I was going to be in the hospital for 3 nights! That was 2 too many! I had list after list of C-Monkey notes for his Grandmas. My lists started having lists, but with kids like C you MUST prepare! There is no such thing as just dropping him off and saying, "Have Fun!".

C-monkey "talking" to his baby sister

Delivery day came. I cried my eyes out when I left the house. Our lives were getting ready to change FOREVER!

At 1:29p.m. on Tuesday, November 6, 2012 we welcomed Baby KAM. She weighed in at 6pounds, 7ounces & was 19inches long! It was love at first sight!

 

C-Monkey met his baby sister the next morning, and he was NOT impressed.

 Life was very different from that moment on. C has learned to get used to KAM's cries. He likes her toys. He NOW thinks she is awesome. He just looks at her with such love and amazement. It truly melts my heart to see him look at her. She is still trying to figure him out though. LOL! 

 

Thankfully, she has been a very easy baby for the most part. She has been a great sleeper, and overall pretty mellow and patient (hope I'm not jinxing it!). I look forward to seeing them grow with one another. I pray that she is accepting and loving towards her brother. That she stands up for him. That she understands why sometimes he gets a little extra time. Oh, and I hope she KNOWS that I love them BOTH. I love them EQUALLY to bits. It is possible!

 

I thank her for bringing a peace back to my soul, and for healing my mommy heart. She is my sugar and sunshine bundled into one petite little smiling princess. She and her brother BOTH have my heart.

Miracles do happen when you LEAST expect them! I got my healthy, blue eyed girl!

And, now you know one of the reasons why I haven't been the best blogger over the past year!!

Dear C Monkey

Dear C Monkey,
Today we put you in the hands of a surgeon. A surgeon we have chosen to help save your life. I hope you know this has in no way been an easy decision for your Dad & I to make. Please know that we would put ourselves on that table if we could. This will most likely be the single hardest day of our life. The hardest part, other than knowing if we have made the right decision, is how all of this is going to turn out. I watched you sleep last night & prayed for God to have his hands on you when I can't.

Today, when the hours go by & we pray the Dr will be able to help you, I will be thinking of:

the day you were born & what a surprise that head full of hair was

The first time you smiled.

What a happy baby you always were in the morning.

How excited you get for all of your favorite toys.

The cute "bounce" you do as you walk around the house.

All of the hugs & smiles that have melted my heart over the past 5 years.

The way you have wrapped me around your finger since the day you were born.

I will leave you on that OR table & pray we experience even better times because of this choice we have made.

I love you with all my heart C Monkey, I am so lucky to be your mommy! I will ALWAYS be here for you!

"Thank you" seems so small

As we prepare for C-Monkey's surgery tomorrow, I knew I had to take this time as we are riding down the road to express some serious gratitude. We knew people cared for C and for us, but never to the extent we have realized over the past few days.

J & I have always been the types to decline any sort of help. It's just who we are. We've always been of the mind-set that someone out there needs it more. So when friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc asked us to let them know what we needed or how they could help, we always say, "thank you, but we have it all under control." It has only been recently that we have realized people are not doing this out of pity, but they WANT to help! They want to take a load off of us. We are going through life changing, heavy stuff here. No one can tackle that for us, so they want to do SOMETHING to ease the burden. We have had to drop pride to the side, & just be thankful that we so many people cheering on, praying for, and supporting our family!

Over the past week, people have sent cards, added us to prayer lists at church, given us money & gas cards, started meal lists for once we get home, brought us food, given us hugs, and checked in non-stop to see what they can help with. For all of this we are humbled and blown away. "Thank you" just seems so small. Not nearly appreciative enough. Just know that EVERY gesture is appreciated, and we can never, ever thank you all enough! Our cups truly runneth over.

Our Pre-op Meeting with Dr. Neurosurg

Well, it seems to be a running fact that it takes me a week to process things before I can post them on here! Either that or I'm just a lazy slug.

We met with Dr. Neurosurg last Wednesday for an epic appointment. Epic in how long we were there. Holy cow, we should have packed a picnic because we were there for over 3 hours! We had an appointment with the surgeon at 9:15, and we waited an hour to see him. (Meanwhile, I amused J with all of my hilarious Pinterest jokes, the 3 of us had a Goldfish picnic, I may have snooped through medical supplies, etc.).

Dr. Neurosurg came in and must have known he was going to be bombarded with a notebook of questions. Yes, I had one.

He said they had spent  over an hour during their conference discussing C-Monkey's case. They actually spent so long on him that they didn't get to discuss the other kid that was on the schedule for that day. Oops! He said that Dr. Neuro really fought hard for C. They just could not justify doing anything more extensive than the Corpus Callosotomy (CC) as it was too much of a risk...at this time. His seizures are just too over the place for us to safely remove any particular area. It's not like we can go, "Oh crap that wasn't it, let's hot glue that piece back in!". He stated several times that they all agreed we needed to act quickly once this surgery was done. Their goal/hopes is to have the CC performed, give C time to heal (a couple of months?), and then do another EEG.

Their hope is that one will finally show a definitive focus. Preferably that right sided area. We'll kick THAT monster's ass when we get there.

The nitty gritty of surgery week (I feel like it should have dramatic music & graphics like Shark Week):

We will have another MRI the day before surgery (our insurance company probably hates us at this point with all of the expensive procedures we've had done recently). We will find out our surgery time at some point that day.

He said the surgery (on 4/12) should take about 4 hours. They will do a complete disconnection instead of just the front 2/3. The incision will go across his scalp (think ear to ear, but not quite that long). C will go directly from the OR to the PICU.One of us will be able to spend the night in the PICU with him. Thank God! If he is doing well, he will be transferred to a regular bed the next day. He will get up & moving and start therapy probably the day after surgery.

We will hopefully come home a few days later, as long as he is meeting the standard discharge protocol....pee, drink, pain control, vitals stable. He will not be able to go to school for several weeks due to risk of him falling and hitting his head. He cannot wear a helmet due to it pulling on the incision. Several of our school team members are nervous to walk with him without a helmet on a good day, so him going without a helmet isn't really an option.

I also need him here with me. I need to be able to challenge this new brain of his, one on one. I need to prove that he CAN learn. He needs me to advocate for him. Prove that he needs people to believe in him, and not give up when his goals aren't met. I need to find the BEST way to work with him...to prove it is possible. Anyway, sorry for the field trip on Tangent Blvd. I just felt the need to mentally "dump" that.

Back to our previously scheduled journey....The funny part of our visit was I asked the surgeon whether he was right or left handed and he said "both" (impressive) & I then made him hold his hands out to check for any crazy shaking. He was still as glass. I told him he passed the test. Yes, I'm THAT neurotic, and I own it. I'm not sending Shaky McShakerson digging into my kid's precious brain tissue! His RN had told us earlier in the visit about them visiting our town a few night's before for a Bruce Springsteen concert. I also gave him orders that there is to be no loud concerts the night before! Mommy's orders. LOL!

We then met with the anesthesia team, the child life specialist (who talked so much that I zoned out until she sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher & J focused on how much she talked with her hands....lady this ain't our first time in the hospital for christ's sake!), and then he had labs drawn. We also found out that one of us can walk with him to the OR & stay with him until he goes to sleep. We didn't get offered that option for the VNS. I figured it might be a battle, but J knew he wasn't going to win it, so he has already conceded to letting me go back with C. I knew I married a smart man. He'll be standing at the exit with my box of Kleenex.

I've been on several shopping expeditions since our visit, and I've gotten several comfort items for the hospital stay trying to make it as pleasant as possible for C. My Mom is also making him some big comfy blankets in bright colors/prints to make the room a little happier. I got him a stuffed lamb pillow that has lavender in it that he can lay on, and a little lamb that is like the pillow and plays ocean and other water/nature sounds to help him sleep, some Johnson's lavender lotion, and some comfy new PJs. (If anyone has any other suggestions, please let me know!)

It will be a stressful two weeks leading up to the 12th, but I think we have finally realized that this is our only option.

We have tried all that we can.

We just have to let it be out of our control at this point.

What I do know is: this boy is getting the stuffing hugged out of him over the next two weeks (even more than usual), and his cheeks might be chafed from all of the extra kisses. 

We are so thankful for the outpouring of love, care, and generosity we are receiving. You never truly realize how much people care.  I may not ever be able to thank you all enough, but please know we are so incredibly grateful to those of you that have supported us through all of this! xoxoxo~M

We have a date!

Hopefully the seizure monster has received his eviction notice?

I was on my way out of town for a meeting last Monday when I got a call from Dr. Neurosurgeon's nurse. 

It was early.

I was flying down the interstate.

Coffee not fully kicked in.

Stressed to the max.

I knew I would probably be getting a call that day, but I just didn't think it would be that morning for some reason. So when I saw the number pop up on my phone, my anxiety popped through the ceiling like one of those carnival strength games that you hit with a big sledgehammer. The nurse and I discussed the schedule and what was available for when both Doctors were available.

We decided that the next best date would be on April 12th. That gave us a little more than a month away to get everything squared away. As of today, it is now a month. Yikes!

We have an appointment next week to meet with Dr. Neurosurgeon & to do all of the pre-op stuff. We will head to the hospital on April 11th for a pre-op MRI (grumble, groan) & we will then head back over the next day for surgery.

Lots to do between now & then! In the meantime, we have to mentally "process" all of this and exactly how we do that....we're not too terribly sure.  One day at a time is all I can think of. For now we cherish the time, steal a few extra hugs and kisses, make every moment count, and pray that it all works out for the best.

Put 10 Neuro Docs In a Room & What Do You Get?

I can think of a lot of funny answers to that question, but I'm so ridiculously exhausted from barely sleeping all week that I can't even muster the energy to plop them out, but feel free to add any you can think of in the comments. Maybe I'll give a "prize" to the best one?

Yes, I know I'm stalling.

You have no idea how long it has taken for me to put this post together. I told my text list it would be Friday night. Started working on it Saturday night. (oops!) 

Worked a little bit on it.

Searched the Internet.

Uploaded pictures.

Pinned on pinterest (yes, I'm addicted).

Changed the background.

Typed a little bit.

Checked out Facebook.

Read other blogs.

Researched surgeries.

Found blogs of other kids that have had surgery.

Got inspired and typed some more.

Said screw it & went to bed...very late.

Anyway, my attention span stinks on a good day. The past week and a half, it has been extraordinarily bad. My sleep has been awful. Constantly thinking about what was going to come from the conference. Trying to send telepathic messages to C-Monkey's Dr. Neuro & Dr. Neurosurgeon. Trying to make them believe in my boy. Trying to lead their hearts to see the love we have for him. Our desire to rescue him.

Praying for them to have compassion for a little boy that loves his toys, loves to give hugs, loves to swing, loves to dance in his car seat in Mommy's car when we are listening to hip hop, loves doughnuts, and loves his Mommy & Daddy. For them to have the compassion to see the boy that we (& so many others) love with all of our heart, & not just see him as an image of a brain on the screen.

Prayed for them to have compassion for us...his parents. The parents that have given so much. Sacrificed so much. Grieving so much for "what should have been". Heartbroken that our only child will be 6 years old in April, and we've never heard him speak a word. Don't know what his little voice sounds like. Constantly guessing at what he needs, wants, feels. Angered when we hear parents at the store scream at their kids to "shut up!" Wondering why we've been given this hand at life.

Yet, at the same time thankful for the amazing people that have come into our because of 

C-monkey. I spent Thursday evening with some of those people. Some AMAZING Mommy friends. That night especially, I was so thankful to have them. So thankful that I have friends that get this journey. That don't think I'm an awful Mom when I say, "This really sucks". Friends that see past the "I'm fine" junk that I'm so good at pushing out because sometimes it is just easier than letting the real emotions out.

I had talked to Dr. Neuro on Thursday. Trying to really emphasize to him how desperate we were. How scared we are that he is going to get worse. I made my last Mommy plea to him to help us. Hoping it would carry through to the next day, into that room of 10. He told me they would be meeting at 8am, but it would probably be 11:30 before he could call me. At 8am on Friday as the team was assembling, I was putting C-monkey on the bus to school. Tears in my eyes as I hoped that the team that was deciding our future, would know that I would give my life for that boy.

The morning stretched on. I tried to do things to relax. I surfed the Internet while I drank my coffee. I played with Rudy. I watched TV. I tried to meditate (that was a hopeless cause). I tried to take a nap. I paid bills (not for relaxation, but b/c it needed to be done). I cleaned out my purse. I jumped out of my skin every time a phone rang or beeped. 11:30 rolled around...nothing. More time passed. I decided to give him until 12:30 before I would call (I'm nice like that..lol). 12:35 rolled around and I was dialing. Luckily his secretary likes me. She told me he had just walked in from meetings, but she would see if he could talk. She told me he would call me back in 10 minutes. Holy crap, the ANXIETY!

Dr. Neuro called, and said they had reviewed all of the studies and discussed the best course for C-monkey.

Based on all of the data that was presented, their decision was:

.

.

.

V

a corpus callosotomy

For a visual of the surgery click here.

Don't worry, it's not an actual surgery. I wouldn't do that to you. It's just a drawing.

I was relieved that it was something. Part of me was slightly disappointed though. I do not think this, at the end of the day is the "cure", but I understand why they made the decision that they did. I appreciate them wanting to be sure, and not haphazardly removing parts of his brain without 100% proof. The biggest hiccup in all of C-monkey's tests is the EEG. That booger will not cooperate. While everything is presenting right sided, the EEG isn't predominantly right sided. He has widespread seizure activity. They cannot say with any certainty that the laughing seizures are originating there. Their hope is by disconnecting the hemispheres, that we can at some point lateralize the seizures (hopefully to the right where the abnormality is). IF they do, then we can discuss further surgery.



We'll do anything we can to hear that sweet laugh again.

 My emotions have been all over the place since that call. Relief that we have a plan. Anxiety over it all coming together & scheduling our lives around it. Fear over making this decision. (How does one make this kind of HUGE decision & feel okay with it?) Sadness over it coming to this, and knowing that C-monkey has to go through it without us really being able to explain to him what is coming. Hope that this gives him a shot at a better life. The things that I do know: he has 2 parents that will be with him EVERY step of the way trying to make it better, and that people all over the country are praying for him. Dr. Neuro said he would start working on getting us in with Dr. Neurosurgeon for a pre-op appointment where we will discuss all of the nitty gritty details, and we will formally decide if this is the step we will take. If so, we will schedule a date for surgery. He made it sound like this could all happen fairly quickly, which could be good and bad. We will try to keep everyone in the loop as it all comes together.

Until that time, we just ask that you keep all of us in your prayers, happy thoughts, and send positive vibes & energy for peace for J & I & for C-monkey to realize that we are doing this to help him even though he might not understand.

As with everything, we are in this journey together...

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 

Overtime with the Seizure Monster



I found this lovely gem of encouragement the night before our appointment with Dr. Neurosurgeon. Those of you that know me the best, KNOW this slapped me right in the face. I was so thankful to have read it, and to read it again tonight for reassurance.

 

Tuesday (2/21) we were scheduled to meet with Dr. Neurosurgeon at 12:30. We got there a little early as we usually do since we commute over an hour to get there, and we never really know what the traffic will be like. We checked in and found out the wait was going to be about an hour and a half. Uggghhhh, just what people with major anxiety enjoy doing most...waiting.

We killed the time by feeding C-Monkey some lunch, playing on our cell phones, C-monkey played with his toys, people watching, and me surfing around on my "happy place" ~Pinterest.



LOL! Those of you on Pinterest know this is true!



We FINALLY got back in the room, and waited some MORE!! Why didn't we pack a picnic and sleeping bags? We finally saw Dr. Neurosurgeon at 3:00. We were so anxious to hear what he had to say that we didn't flip out over the wait.

Once he opened his mouth, I knew we weren't leaving there with what I thought we would be...a solid plan. Long story short, they really did not get any concrete evidence on Monday's MRI that swayed their thinking and compelled them to commit to surgery. I scanned in a couple of the images from the MRI, and I see the dysplasia. I don't know if it is just because I know what we are looking for. I'm going to do a little experiment and see if other people that DON'T know what they are looking for notice it. I will post the unmarked pics below, and the marked pics at the very end of the post. Let me know if you were able to see the area or not.



Do you see what I see???



Where's seizure monster??

  

They had already planned on presenting him in conference which was supposed to be tomorrow, but the chief of Pediatric Neurology, who has oodles of experience, is out of the country, and I could sense Dr. Neurosurgeon really did not want to conference without him. Me being the modern smart ass that I am asked, "Well, can't you just skype him in?" Duh?? Not likely that will happen so they will conference next Friday instead, & the 10 Doctors on the team (peds & adults) will really scour ALL of the information that they have. So fingers crossed we will hear something next Friday! Actually Dr. Neurosurgeon guaranteed us we will!

We got some "what if" scenarios from the surgeon so that was eye opening. He personally does not feel like a corpus callosotomy would be the most benefit to C-monkey. He believes our next best step, if the team agrees to move forward, would be to place subdural electrode strips on C-monkey's brain via 4 burr holes in his skull. He said he would be in the hospital connected to those for maybe a week. Our hope would be to get the most precise information on whether or not we are battling the right temporal or right frontal sections. We would then decide what surgical course would be the most appropriate. We were disappointed to say the least that once again, things are not clear cut. I'm just trying to think of it as we are in overtime in our match against the seizure monster.

The one great thing from today's appointment, was that I think Dr. Neurosurgeon really got a glimpse of how urgent it is that we do not drag our heels in this.

We have to make decisions.

We have to make the best decisions for C-monkey.

To pull him out of the grips of the seizure monster...but we have to do it quickly!

So we re-energize and prepare to keep fighting the greatest fight of our lives.

We just want to be in the last seconds of the match with our feet pinning the seizure monster to the ground when the buzzer sounds. It is just going to take a little longer than expected.

"Everything always works out somehow. It just does. Be at peace..."

Did you guess right?